happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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