1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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