Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
