They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
