After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
