i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
