I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
