I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
