apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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