Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
