you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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