woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
