I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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