I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So much rum. So many feels.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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