i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
