I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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