i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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