I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
