I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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