she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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