I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
