I'm so fucking centered right now
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
