So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
