he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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