"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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