Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
