if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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