he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
being pregnant is like rehab
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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