the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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