Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
