Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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