he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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