Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
