So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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