textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
