evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize