I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
