Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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