he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize