Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
