Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize