This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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