Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
