my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
