Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the condom got lost in my hair
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
