Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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