is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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