I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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