I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i drank out of a bidet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
