I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
