By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
