New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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