I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize