I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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