Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
