Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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