I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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