I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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