remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
