i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
