I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
